Turning Pain into Perseverance
I remember this day so clearly in my mind as if it was yesterday. I can feel my heartbeat racing and my breathing becoming shallow as my throat begins to tighten. I want to run away and escape from the creeping sensation of fear and pure panic within my body. I look around me at the groups of people in fancy clothing sitting at white-clothed tables enjoying their conversations with each other, laughing, talking, and eating together. We were at a banquet of some sort, although I cannot quite remember what for since I was only seven at the time. All I remember from this memory is the feeling of fear completely overwhelming me out of nowhere. I remember telling my mother I felt sick and needed to go to the bathroom. I remember crying in confusion and terror in the bathroom as she held me tight.
This was not the only instance I felt this overwhelming sense of fear. There were many days and nights I spent in bathrooms of restaurants and in my own bathroom with my mother cradling me close as I wept. My parents had no clue what was happening to me, and I even went to my pediatrician, who was just as confused as we were. However, this was years ago, and a lot of information has now come out about mental health. It was only until a few years ago when I realized I was experiencing panic attacks, but by that point they were long gone. I was able to live life normally, go out with friends, and perform dance routines in front of audiences without any panic attacks. It wasn’t until March of this year when I began experiencing them again, except they were more intense this time.
I remember sitting at a restaurant with my boyfriend when I felt the fear begin to creep up inside of me. I felt my throat start to close as if someone was choking me, and all I wanted to do was to run from whatever danger I was in, but looking around me, there was nothing to be afraid of. So why was my body reacting as if I was about to die? I wanted to crawl and escape outside of my own body, so I excused myself from the table and rushed to the bathroom where I locked myself in the stall. My mom always took me to the bathroom when I got panic attacks when I was younger, so this was always a place that calmed me down and felt safe. I remember texting my boyfriend I was having a panic attack and having to leave the restaurant soon after. Moments like this and many others make me so very thankful for the people God has put into my life who know how to love me and comfort me even during moments of panic. However, this was the moment that changed the next few months and the present. I have never felt the same since that night I got my first panic attack in years. Since then, I have gone to therapy every week to find ways to cope that work for me and to talk about everything and anything that has happened in my past and in my present that may be leading to these panic attacks. I have good weeks and bad weeks, and there are times I just want to lie in bed because the anxiety has left me debilitated and miserable. Recently, I have not been able to go to a restaurant or even church without experiencing a mini panic attack and feeling as though I may die. These panic attacks have been full-blown, which have made me so fearful of even leaving my house at all.
But this story isn’t about remaining in my sorrow and depression. This isn’t about sitting around waiting for the pain to disappear on its own. This isn’t about pitying myself for having problems with anxiety. This is a story of victory, healing, and restoration because of Jesus. The only reason I am still sitting here full of hope is because of Jesus. The only reason I am able to drag myself out of bed or out of my house is because of Jesus. If it weren’t for His strength and peace, I would have given up a long time ago. A verse that I am reminded of is John 14:27, which says, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.” Only God can provide us with everlasting peace, a peace unlike anything this world can provide. This verse has gotten me through some of the darkest times with my anxiety.
Another verse I think of is James 1:2-4, which says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” Yes, this season of life has been extremely difficult, but it has also been a season that has taught me so much about perseverance. I have learned that God is good all the time no matter what we face. I have learned to lean on His strength more than I ever have before, and I have realized how weak we are and how much we need God. I have seen the hope that Jesus can bring, and it is a hope that I am clinging onto. You may ask me, “Well, Cal, shouldn’t you be angry with God for your anxiety?” My answer is no, because God is teaching me so much through my trials. Problems with mental health are a result of living in a broken world that desperately needs Jesus. I am not angry with God, in fact, I am delighted in Him because of how He has shown up during the darkest times of my life. I have seen how He has worked through my pain and suffering in the past, and I know He will do the same through this situation.
If you are someone who struggles with mental health, I want you to know that you are not alone. Healing takes time, and it takes patience. It is not linear, but it has many layers to it. You may be frustrated and angry, but never lose hope. Please know that seeking medical attention or going to therapy is not something to be ashamed of, and it certainly does not mean you lack faith in what God can do for you. I believe in outside resources in addition to divine intervention. God can work through doctors, medicine, and therapists to heal you, and there is no shame in that. Even when it feels like all hope is lost, I promise you it is not. You are so loved. You are so significant. You are understood. You are valuable. You are cherished. You are seen. You are heard.
God has not forsaken you. I encourage you to use this time to lean on Him and fully surrender to Him because He wants to help you. There is so much hope because of Jesus.
- Cals @Cal.thechristian.gal
https://www.instagram.com/cal.thechristian.gal/
